The wind is blowing ferociously against my window, and the temperature makes me pine for balmier climes, but yet I still feel cozy tucked in bed with blankets upon blankets warming me to the core. I can hear Townes snoring softly in the next room, and I can picture him tucked into a little ball on his tummy with his bum straight in the air. That right there. That's all I need to feel warm and fuzzy inside. It's baffling how this little human can be so exhausting with his running, climbing, throwing, falling (dare I say terrorizing?) during the day, but at night turn into the picture of perfection and love and all good things on Earth.
I've been thinking a lot about that balance, the exhaustion and the adoration. My worry is that I dwell too much on the fatigue, and I don't allow for the small moments where I can feel my heart brim with love and awe over this little person who is growing at such an exponential rate. Everyday he surprises me with his humor and intelligence and blossoming wit. It's true! I have a witty toddler, or what will one day be a witty and sarcastic and I'm sure annoyingly hilarious kid.
I need to allow myself more moments of awe for him, but I also need moments of awe for my husband, who works so hard and is undoubtedly more exhausted than I am, and continues to just shine and shine as a father. The bond those two have is incredible, and although I have been at times jealous of it, I know that it is something I should be so incredibly proud of and grateful for.
I also need to allow myself to feel in awe and inspired by ME. That boy that is growing into such a wonderful person came from me. That's huge! I nurtured his developing body inside of mine for what seemed a millennia, and now I have the honor to nurture and cultivate love and empathy and intelligence and determination and all the rest of it, and that is no small task. I know I too easily focus on my flaws as a mother and a person and a woman and a wife, but when I finally start to think and start being kind to myself, I realize I'm not doing too shabby a job at it all.
So in the coming year I will focus on relishing the sweet moments, and reflection, and living with intention. It's time to start thinking of the New Year, and all of the positivity that is possible. I have high hopes.
