High Hopes

The wind is blowing ferociously against my window, and the temperature makes me pine for balmier climes, but yet I still feel cozy tucked in bed with blankets upon blankets warming me to the core.  I can hear Townes snoring softly in the next room, and I can picture him tucked into a little ball on his tummy with his bum straight in the air.  That right there.  That's all I need to feel warm and fuzzy inside.  It's baffling how this little human can be so exhausting with his running, climbing, throwing, falling (dare I say terrorizing?) during the day, but at night turn into the picture of perfection and love and all good things on Earth.

I've been thinking a lot about that balance, the exhaustion and the adoration.  My worry is that I dwell too much on the fatigue, and I don't allow for the small moments where I can feel my heart brim with love and awe over this little person who is growing at such an exponential rate.  Everyday he surprises me with his humor and intelligence and blossoming wit.  It's true!  I have a witty toddler, or what will one day be a witty and sarcastic and I'm sure annoyingly hilarious kid.

I need to allow myself more moments of awe for him, but I also need moments of awe for my husband, who works so hard and is undoubtedly more exhausted than I am, and continues to just shine and shine as a father.  The bond those two have is incredible, and although I have been at times jealous of it, I know that it is something I should be so incredibly proud of and grateful for.

I also need to allow myself to feel in awe and inspired by ME.  That boy that is growing into such a wonderful person came from me.  That's huge!  I nurtured his developing body inside of mine for what seemed a millennia, and now I have the honor to nurture and cultivate love and empathy and intelligence and determination and all the rest of it, and that is no small task.  I know I too easily focus on my flaws as a mother and a person and a woman and a wife,  but when I finally start to think and start being kind to myself, I realize I'm not doing too shabby a job at it all.

So in the coming year I will focus on relishing the sweet moments, and reflection, and living with intention.   It's time to start thinking of the New Year, and all of the positivity that is possible.  I have high hopes.

Count Down

Things are things.  Ya know?  Not bad, not great.  I am in this weird, almost purgatorial phase, where I am waiting out my days until vacation time (Antelope Canyon!  Grand Canyon! Las Vegas--- what?!?), and work is not making it any easier.  We could not get any busier, nor more short staffed, nor oh-my-god-people-can-you move-any faster/more-efficiently?!  It might be the perfectionist in me, but sometimes I really wish I had ten arms and 35 hours in the day to just do it all my own goddamn self.  Ceding power might be the most difficult thing I do in my life.

BUT there is a sunny side of the street, as I said above.  Vacation!  Honeymoon!  Nature!  Joel Robuchon's L'Atelier in Las Vegas (again, what the what?!)!  Just one month to go.  I have this sinking suspicion that Townes will do something amazing while we are gone... probably take his first steps... and that will just add to the Mom guilt I am already feeling.   BUT!  Honeymoon!  I need this time with my husband, for sure.  We have been stretching ourselves pretty thin the past couple months, and the time spent apart vastly surpasses the time we've spent together.  I honestly don't know what we will do with all this time together, but as my boss told me, I better not come home pregnant.  Thanks for the advice, Thierry!  

So, anyways, count down with me people.  I really, really, realllllly need a vacation, especially with the man that I married that I see about 20 hours total out of a week.  I know that "they" say that distance makes that heart grow fonder, but I never imagine that this would apply to married life.

Waking Up?

As I write, Jeopardy! is on in the background, my wine is at hand, and the babe is sleeping soundly in his crib.  In the day to day, it feels like everything is hectic and busy and I can't catch my breath.  But as I sit and meditate here, I wonder why it feels as such.  My nights are relaxed; I get to bed around 8:00 every night (what?!), Townes sleeps a very dependable, very solid 13 hours straight, and my nightly bubble baths soothe.  Sure, my days are busy, but I have such wonderful people that I work with and  my work days, exhausting as they may be, are a joy.

But it's those small things, those dark and creepy and looming things that I can't escape.  Why is it that no amount of (free!) coffee makes me feel truly awake?  I can enter lunches and meetings and information sessions for grad school into my calendar until the cows come home, but what will it take to actually compel me to take the goddamn GRE, or the LSAT, or even entertain the idea of a school other than the University of Texas?  Because, honestly, I need to accept the fact that though he loves it, and though he concedes his disdain each time we return, my husband will never agree, at least not happily, to move to Austin.

But what is it about Austin that makes me so enamored??  Can I find that kind of paradise here?  Are all my problems an issue of perspective, or mind over matter?  Where can I find those parts of Austin that I love so much here, in this city that comes off as inclusive and accepting but in reality refuses eye contact with their neighbors and thinks having children is selling out?  I want heat, yes, but I also want to feel part of a community, and I want to be able to buy a goddamn house without selling my soul to JP Morgan Chase for the next 45 years.  How can I convince myself that there is no need for me to be so tired?  As far as babies go, mine is kinda The King, and bitching about my 14 hours of free time/sleep a night makes me seem like a reaaaaal Princess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to bitch anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to take action, change my life, take hold of my future and all that shit.  I know that it is a work in progress, and I do truly love where my life has taken me, to my husband and my son and my job that treats me like a valued human being, but I don't want to stop questioning what else I can do to manifest the kind of change that I want.

Salutations, etc.

Hello, and welcome to my little place in the blogosphere!  My name is Jane Meier (Perez, until very recently) and I am a wife, mother, friend and "professional" living in beautiful Seattle, Washington.  My baby boy was born July 6th of this year, and motherhood is truly all it's been cracked up to be.  My husband Josh and I were married in April, and then married again in August, just because we liked it so much.  Together, we are raising our little love Townes in the Emerald City.  I manage the most delicious French bakery in North America, Le Panier, located in Pike Place Market.  My job is wonderful, to say the least.

I don't know what is in store for me, in life and with this blog.  But I'd like to make a commitment to myself to write, something I have loved as long as I have known how to do so, even if the only people that reads this are myself and my mother (HI MOM!). So, I'd like to keep this post short and sweet.  Thanks for tuning in, and I hope we can be friends.