Waking Up?

As I write, Jeopardy! is on in the background, my wine is at hand, and the babe is sleeping soundly in his crib.  In the day to day, it feels like everything is hectic and busy and I can't catch my breath.  But as I sit and meditate here, I wonder why it feels as such.  My nights are relaxed; I get to bed around 8:00 every night (what?!), Townes sleeps a very dependable, very solid 13 hours straight, and my nightly bubble baths soothe.  Sure, my days are busy, but I have such wonderful people that I work with and  my work days, exhausting as they may be, are a joy.

But it's those small things, those dark and creepy and looming things that I can't escape.  Why is it that no amount of (free!) coffee makes me feel truly awake?  I can enter lunches and meetings and information sessions for grad school into my calendar until the cows come home, but what will it take to actually compel me to take the goddamn GRE, or the LSAT, or even entertain the idea of a school other than the University of Texas?  Because, honestly, I need to accept the fact that though he loves it, and though he concedes his disdain each time we return, my husband will never agree, at least not happily, to move to Austin.

But what is it about Austin that makes me so enamored??  Can I find that kind of paradise here?  Are all my problems an issue of perspective, or mind over matter?  Where can I find those parts of Austin that I love so much here, in this city that comes off as inclusive and accepting but in reality refuses eye contact with their neighbors and thinks having children is selling out?  I want heat, yes, but I also want to feel part of a community, and I want to be able to buy a goddamn house without selling my soul to JP Morgan Chase for the next 45 years.  How can I convince myself that there is no need for me to be so tired?  As far as babies go, mine is kinda The King, and bitching about my 14 hours of free time/sleep a night makes me seem like a reaaaaal Princess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to bitch anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to take action, change my life, take hold of my future and all that shit.  I know that it is a work in progress, and I do truly love where my life has taken me, to my husband and my son and my job that treats me like a valued human being, but I don't want to stop questioning what else I can do to manifest the kind of change that I want.